A book just fell on my head. A car hit an elderly man. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners Whats it called? However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. Laughfactory.com, Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? If anything, it made him more sluggish. How to be witty and win anyone over, Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind, Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in, How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. Menu. Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". A labracadabrador. As they hurtle towards the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.Anonymous. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} And what sort of case was that? My father sued me for the money.Submitted by Dee Hudson. I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. Uncle Teds hiding in your closet and hes got no clothes on!. 134 Likes, 22 Comments - Aidan (@diazaidanw) on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco outfits . Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comediansand their best jokes! Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners It can only become stairs.Mitch Hedberg, What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Phyllis Diller. There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, Im wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked No Refills.Submitted by Roy Warner, An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale cocktail lounge. But again the camera flashed. The bear shrugged. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. You can only stalk them and hope for the best." [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications] 6. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} Theres a smartass quote for that. Preparing to challenge the prof, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment. Were giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. Can I join you? Why, am I falling apart? I replied. I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. | Submitted by Hoss Alfred. ._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4{width:100%}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA{display:none}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA,._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:block}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:none} Submitted by Robert Gallagher, I was at a Canadian Tire, chatting with the young woman at the till. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. Im coming over to live with you. To which her mother replies, No, no, darling. 10 Likes, 0 Comments - (@zdragonqueen) on Instagram: "' . They hurt my feelings. A. P., via e-mail. Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not Milton Jones, What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. Sweatin' like a whore in . He needed a little space. It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. She says, Im here to give you super sex., After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess Ill have the soup., I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman. Steven Wright. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Couldn't organise a two-man rush on a three-hole shithouse. Submitted by Max Cooper, The doctor replies, Sorry, I dont follow youSubmitted by Christine Schrum, After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. Youre about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream yes! because for once you know exactly what to say. He seems fine now, says the vet. Ive found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. Dont miss theseclever grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. You could read it as "seriously" or as "a joke didn't walk into the . These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/IdCard.ea0ac1df4e6491a16d39_.css.map*/._2JU2WQDzn5pAlpxqChbxr7{height:16px;margin-right:8px;width:16px}._3E45je-29yDjfFqFcLCXyH{margin-top:16px}._13YtS_rCnVZG1ns2xaCalg{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._1m5fPZN4q3vKVg9SgU43u2{margin-top:12px}._17A-IdW3j1_fI_pN-8tMV-{display:inline-block;margin-bottom:8px;margin-right:5px}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY{border-radius:20px;font-size:12px;font-weight:500;letter-spacing:0;line-height:16px;padding:3px 10px;text-transform:none}._5MIPBF8A9vXwwXFumpGqY:focus{outline:unset} This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright, 33. You couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from inside the barn. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment, instead? Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny], 9. You never know when you might kneed these jokes. I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over. Milton Jones, Two fish are sitting in a tank. Everyone loves a smartass, whether they want to admit it or not. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! The son comes home in the afternoon. A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! Thesehilarious school storiesare guaranteed to give you a laugh. Well! responds the friend. There you have it. The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. The satisfactory. A nervous wreck. Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize youre not in shape for it, its too far to walk back. Today I saw something that reminded me of you. ._1sDtEhccxFpHDn2RUhxmSq{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap}._1d4NeAxWOiy0JPz7aXRI64{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}.icon._3tMM22A0evCEmrIk-8z4zO{margin:-2px 8px 0 0} Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The basic recipe for relational health is this: Do more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff. Why couldn't the defensive football player pass his test in school? Who knows, we might be able to! 16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? ", "Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Treating those tender spotsyour own and your partnerswith reverence and care deepens trust and creates healing. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. I couldn't put it down. .LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH{fill:var(--newRedditTheme-actionIcon);height:18px;width:18px}.LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH rect{stroke:var(--newRedditTheme-metaText)}._3J2-xIxxxP9ISzeLWCOUVc{height:18px}.FyLpt0kIWG1bTDWZ8HIL1{margin-top:4px}._2ntJEAiwKXBGvxrJiqxx_2,._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{vertical-align:middle}._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-inline-flexbox;display:inline-flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center} A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. 4 / 20. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. A man is struggling to find a parking space. 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes Learn them and youll never have that I wish Id said that moment again! You can use these yo mama jokes as good comebacks in an argument. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing. Mom: How make chicken Daughter: What? I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? These hilarious tweets are guaranteed to make you grin! Snake 2: I dont know. Maybe 22, he says. He asks the dogs owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?, The owner says, Because hes a liar! Marie Faustin, comedian. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his drivers license. So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. Breathing. [Read:Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles], Dont let someone else dictate how you live your life. I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. Not yet.. ' . Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! The wife says that yes, he could. Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. They got six months each. Alex Del Bene. Don't be the person to initiate that. I dont know, she replies. Later, they order an other round. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, Ill lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! Finally, he hollers, Hey! Theyre on the way out! Tim Vine. Ten years go by and its one monks first chance. Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. Dont miss these bad jokes you cant help but laugh at. Submitted by C.A. You still havent used the present I gave you last year.Submitted by L.B. Where are average things manufactured? ', Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? ' Tim Vine. Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern Universitys Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program. Me: Yes. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctors office. ._9ZuQyDXhFth1qKJF4KNm8{padding:12px 12px 40px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM,._1JmnMJclrTwTPpAip5U_Hm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:40px;padding-top:4px;text-align:left;margin-right:28px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM ._24r4TaTKqNLBGA3VgswFrN{margin-left:6px}._306gA2lxjCHX44ssikUp3O{margin-bottom:32px}._1Omf6afKRpv3RKNCWjIyJ4{font-size:18px;font-weight:500;line-height:22px;border-bottom:2px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:8px}._2Ss7VGMX-UPKt9NhFRtgTz{margin-bottom:24px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP{border-bottom:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:2px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP:last-of-type{border-bottom-width:0}._2qAEe8HGjtHsuKsHqNCa9u{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);padding-bottom:8px;padding-top:8px}.c5RWd-O3CYE-XSLdTyjtI{padding:8px 0}._3whORKuQps-WQpSceAyHuF{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}._1Qk-ka6_CJz1fU3OUfeznu{margin-bottom:8px}._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-weight:500}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb,._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-size:12px;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb{font-weight:400}.horIoLCod23xkzt7MmTpC{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:#ea0027}._33Iw1wpNZ-uhC05tWsB9xi{margin-top:24px}._2M7LQbQxH40ingJ9h9RslL{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px} Crocker, you are just fine!. A blind man visits Texas. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. I typed Bitch into my GPS and guess what? After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? The boy screams. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. Dont drink that, I said. ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. My dog is so smart, says the first owner, that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. I said 40. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Im actually not funny. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out. Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. He never had a chance!, The man says, I dont know about that. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. [Read:55 funny quotes about love and all its complications], 6. Whats E.T. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world! You wont believe these funny classified ads actually ran! Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.Submitted by Mary Buoye, Walking along the beach, a man finds a bottle. Im doing great! Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.. Hello, said the agent, Im looking for a man called Murphy., Well youre in luck, said the farmer. First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. Im addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want. $18.49 $ 18. BBLTHRW. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. He told me to stop going there. Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. "I'm not sure; I was born with them.". Ive led a very full life, says the dog. So now I got me a hook., I was standin on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye., But ya dont go blind from no seagull poop., True, says Sol. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. A young monk arrives at the monastery. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. Submitted by Tyler Meason, The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. And what, may I ask, are you? The cat replies, Um, Im a gnome.Submitted by Blake Kiltoff, What is my relationship deal breaker? The light goes on. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. Its three in the morning!Anonymous, Fortune tellers are so easy to buy clothes fortheyre all mediums. atlantic beach zoning map; torvill and dean routines list; sync only some activity types from garmin to strava He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?, Well, yes, she said reluctantly. He knows when to stop.Submitted by Ken Zavislik, The manager of a jewellery store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. Then it hit me. I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. He thinks for a second before saying, Food bad., Its the big day, a decade later. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. Sharri82 5 yr. ago. Diddly-squats. Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the cars indicators are working. And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet?