Do not attempt to shave with fire. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance", To this, Warren replied, "Joy that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid", The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. Fighter Training Manual Airspeed, Altitude, and Brains Two are always needed to successfully complete a flight, 7. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from We were inspecting several lots of grenades. Here soldiers share what theyve gleaned from past gaffes: I was cold Im convinced my cockroaches have military training. When finally open guaranteed to spill everywhere, 60. 2. More information More like this Ask the Navy to secure a building and they will turn off all the lights and lock all the doors at 1700. The guy put down the paper, turned to my friend, and said, Well, there goes the light bulb.. 4th of July 2022: Celebrating the Birth of Our Nation & Its Heroes, Military Appreciation Month 2022: Saluting Those Who Serve, Veterans Day 2022: Celebrating Those Whove Served. 54. We were a tough group. If pilots screw up, they die. The real definition of USCG is Uncle Sams Confused Group.. She has a Bachelor of Arts in English from the University of Alabama in Huntsville. Me: No. Whats the difference between God and a fighter pilot? Caller: OK. . A joke told repeatedly at aviation industry conferences puts a man and a dog in an airplane. An airplane! Did it work? 3. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didnt salute. Dont think so? One day, while out snapping photos, I was stopped by the military police, who asked for my letter from public affairs. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had artistic abilities. She also liked her scotch. I enjoyed the humor section quite a bit. 40. However, even with full power, the little plane could not handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. When I heard him describe the impending birth of his first child as when the baby has boots on the A friend paid my mother a visit. Only one. The controller while working a busy shift told a 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there. Laugh or cringe but please enjoy. These one-liner jokes about the Coast Guard life are bound to make any Coastie crack up. Reply: I recommend you divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision. The MPs read the letter, saluted, and left. It was our first day on the rifle range at Lackland Air Force Base. The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase. HubPages is a registered trademark of The Arena Platform, Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. 46. As the soldiers disembarked, they started to jeer and boo. They cant seem to string three Ws together. It does look like its been fished out from the bottom of the sea.. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. Military Aviation Humor | Civil Aviation Humor | Life in the Military | Submit a Joke Waxing his plane A pilot got up bright and early, and told his wife he was going to wash and wax his plane. In-flight Snacks Little treats sealed in a bag that can only be opened by using a chainsaw. In an attempt to keep, the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed the Flight Attendant of an internal flight said over the PA, "Ladies and Gentlemen. What kind of grades do you need to have in order to join the Navy? Whats the difference between the Boys Scouts and the Army? 17. I never knew you had such a weak stomach, I said. Soon after arriving at basic training, we were marched to the base barbershop, where we were told wed find a clipboard with our names on it. Dario Leone is an aviation, defense and military writer. Speed is life. 2. When the the Marine came back the Soldier nodded and thanked him for the drink, very pleased he pulled one over on the Marine. My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Want more amazing military jokes? Did you hear about the big accident on base? Whats the difference between a fighter pilot and a fighter jet? He then made his way to my side. SUB sandwiches! Collective Military Hardships One day an airman, an Army soldier, and a Marine were talking about the hardships they faced during their last deployment. "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees", "But Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. What did the Navy dentist put on his license plate? Do you want to hear about my plane?. Had a new guy conduct a boom test on a howitzer by yelling Boom! down the tube in order to calibrate it If you have a military joke you think our readers would like then send it to military_jokes@strategyworld.com. The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab. 6. Why does the military have a strict dress code for ceremonies and events? How tough? I got one here related to the tranparency of Soviet news.. ----- *News report from Soviet press agency* A friendly communist agricultural tractor was intercepted by enemy group of seven Chinese battle tanks, while performing its everyday works on wheat fields along Soviet-Chinese border. 2023 The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers on this website. Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant? I asked. When a Navy fighter pilot saw this, he decided to approach the man and see what he was doing. The U.S. Navy uses the stars to navigate. USAF Manual It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you have just bombed, 6. Anyone wanting to take pictures on our bases airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. 39. "Last one off the plane has to clean it", 25. Airman: The worst was when the air conditioner broke in our tent and it was 110 degrees outside! My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was. Now he likes peanuts.. Sergeant, he said, what if we dont have any initials? Matthew Nazarian. I was standing watch when an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. An officer asked if I knew what it meant. Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics. As for the rest of you, get down and give me 40 for lying!. Good news and bad news, my instructor said. Theres a post recall and he has to go to work. Pilots 5. Did You Hear About The Accident at the Army Base? Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Aeronautical Humor. The Marine insisted that since he was in the aisle seat he would get it for him. Want some really over-the-top, cheesy jokes about the military? I smiled and said, Sure was a lot of em, huh sir?. His reply was quick and to the point: You didnt.. How old are you? a tenant asked. These pilots' jokes can easily be turned into a pilot pun and other airlines' jokes. There are so many funny military jokes and jabs out there so it took me a while to compile a list of only the best. An officer calls a young Soldier to attention, scolding him for not attending camouflage training that morning. Do you know where the sensor is located? my My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? One started by saying, Okay smartass, which one is closer, the moon or Florida? The second responded by saying, Obviously its the moon you cant see Florida!. Why? I asked. One day, I was told As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. It Bad Jokes That You Cant Help but Laugh At, Funny Photos That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud, Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Guaranteed to Get a Laugh, The Absolute Best Funny Movies of All Time, Weird Facts You Never Knew About Laughter, Work Cartoons to Help You Get Through the Week, Clever Wedding Jokes Perfect for Any Speech, We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. Thanks. Trask (his last name) used that heritage to lord it over me. What do you call a training sergeant whos very kind and respectful? Im 81 years old, he answered. Anytime someone asked what his father did, hed say, Hes in the Army. I told him Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, If you give me a paring knife, I could peel these potatoes faster. The cook turned slowly to my father and said, Son, youre in the Army. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked where they had been stationed. 4) At the real-life Topgun programthe one the film was based onthere is a $5 fine for any staffer who references or quotes the movie. March forth! Hey, Im from Chicago too!. Youre standing in it, sir, said the sergeant. The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas ", The customs agent began his interrogation "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband, or illegal drugs in your possession? Hotel/Car Rental Shuttle Bus Vehicle subject to paranormal effects. Aviation JOKES. But before I could get out, he pointed to the other end of the building and said, The band entrance is that way. Gordon Van Otteren. One stated they would love to work on a submarine. ", 55. I was awakened late one night by a phone call from nearby Fort Meade, in Maryland. Discover a funny military joke about the U.S. Army with this list. Halt! shouted our drill instructor. One day, the rain was pouring like crazy and a big puddle formed in front of a local pub just outside the Navy base. and check out military jokes from other Vets, troops, and military support personnel! In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. One day, I was told to report to my commanding officer, who ordered me to escort Ms. Raye. My granddaughters husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: Hed sent a message to 300 of his My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. Caller: Is Sgt. You know you cant outrun a bear, right?, The soldier said, The way I see it, I just have to outrun you.. I have been telling the same joke for a lot of years, but today I will change it up. "They're all mine. But my fears were put Our bases Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. After a long pause, he thundered, The alphabet?!. Rather than move, he called the bridge: Hey, he said, can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Gary Toohard. The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot". One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. ", Warren always replied, "I know Joy, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid", One year Warren and Joy went to the Show, and Joy said, "Warren, I'm 85 years old. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. The other Sergeants noticed that he looked more relaxed than ever. 35. Bad altitude. !" Marine: "Wait, stop. The military refers to a collection of all the armed forces of a particular country.. The irate sergeant scrambled back up amid guffaws and barked, Those who laughed, get down and give me 20! A.J. The only time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire. I felt confident as I aimed and squeezed the trigger of my carbine for my first During a combat medical training class, the topic was blast injuries. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear neatly laid out on a table. 41. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. Thanks for coming back for me, the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didnt salute. 2) American combat dolphins, deployed in the Persian Gulf, surrounded and captured an Iranian battleship. Do you know where the sensor is located? my coworker asked. I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. The Lasting Supper There are many branches of the military. DeFrigNo! Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? Whats the main mission of the Marine Corps? Caller: Is Sgt. A drill serGENTLEMEN! Nothing, she said. Now, lets try it again! You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. Evidently, one of my classmates found the talk less than stimulating and fell asleep. During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. Military Jokes March to the beat of your own drum with these military jokes. This site contains affiliate links. Read more. He nodded. Aboard a troop carrier crossing the Atlantic, I noticed a seasick pal of mine losing it over the railing alongside several other soldiers. Basic Army training rules goes as follows: If it moves, salute it. 29. Looking for military boot camp jokes? Great jokes, Im an inactive Marine (58 years) but still get a kick out of this type of humor. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. This website is not affiliated with the United States Marine Corps, and the information on this website does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Marine Corps as a whole. Explaining the use of the controls to a student "If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Forty years later, Dad met the man responsible, and he told him how impressed he had been. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina. Why did the Soldier bring a blanket to an active battle zone? This poor old fool, thought the Navy officer, so he invited the old man inside to buy him a drink. Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.. Its got to be the Air Force because theyre U.S. AF! They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus. Grandpapa Johns Pizza. You will not live long enough to make all of them yourself. What does ARMY mean to you? What do you call a group of kids who enlists in the military? ", The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with "I made it out of DC-8 parts. The c.i.a. My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. The Coast Guard often gets its share of jokes starting with the fact that it was formerly part of the Department of Transportation (now Homeland Security) and not the Department of Defense . From the plane came a laconic southern voice: . Well, I, too, am a SEASONED Veteran! It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised, 26. 1. P | Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. The local band hired to greet them was playing a popular hit of the time, I Wonder Whos Kissing Her Now.. Because the Army needed heroes too. I admit itI have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my creativity might get me in trouble. At one point, our very intimidating instructor pointed at me and said, Theres been a jeep explosion. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. Marines Say OOOOORAH! Me: No, I dont. Turns out we were supposed to shoot around it, not hit it. Patrick McSherry. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have, 16. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Marine: Wait, stop. Even his son turned up. Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself., My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. It was World War IIthe frontand we were on high alert. 43. The Marine said Are you crazy? Me: Still the wrong number. (pointing at the sky). P | Engine noise at an unbelievable high level. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite, 15. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. August 15, 2021. Why arent there any insects in an Army base? Awesome page, I came out of the US Army in 92. 30. Unfortunately for him, our lecturer caught him. But I am public affairs, I said. The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. A PETTY officer! We are directly under the moon.. She's been working as a writer, editor, QA specialist, and SEO professional for more than four years. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. Get up! Checking to see that he had everyones attention, he asked, What is the first rule?, Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, Shut up, Drill Sergeant!, Army Says: HOOOOOAH! SUB sandwiches! Around midnight, I noticed movement behind a bush. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. These military jokes about the United States Air Force are a mixed bag. Filed Under: Lifestyle, Veteran Life Tagged With: funny, humor, jokes, military jokes. Soldier: No, SIR!. If it doesnt move, pick it up. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Rodrigues? "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position", 18. Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes See, Connor? he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. 14 Funniest Military Jokes Ever (2022 Edition), How to Unregister a Gun in your Name? While drinking their beers, the smart-ass fighter pilot decided to ask, How many did you end up catching today.. This is really good, he said. One of the reasons the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker so much is because they dont speak the same language. Related read: When Is Military Appreciation Month? Katees passion for writing and fascination for language has forever guided her path in life. I set out a roach bombthey defused it. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. This program is designed to provide a way for websites to earn advertising fees by linking to Amazon. She approached one of the women for an explanation: What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles? Land mines, replied the Kuwaiti woman. Why won't you kiss me? Why does the military only allow dress shirts during ceremonies and events? Scan the list below to find some hilarious military one-liners that will make your Navy friend laugh like crazy. Put your hand up if youre the laziest., 24 men raised their hands, so the senior chief turns to the last man and says, Why didnt you raise your hand, sailor?, The sailor replies, It was too much trouble, senior chief.. So I quit ordering it.. San JoseTower: "Flight 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. Our instructor approached the directionally challenged Marine and stomped on his left foot. Every one knows the definition of a good landing is one you can walk away from. A friend paid my mother a visit. Whats an LMD? I asked. I cant, he said, but thats his worry now., An Air Force pilot says to a seaman, Youre in the Navy but you cant swim?, The seaman replies, Are you saying that since youre in the Air Force youre able to fly?. The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husbands first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. U.S. Navy Warship: We are a large warship of the United States Navy. Dad got quiet. 3. You can see why: The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of Its important that soldiers learn from their mistakes; otherwise, theyre bound to repeat them at inopportune moments. Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, How did you know the war was over? When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. They want their patients to see 20:20! His son had clearly focussed more on dividing rather than conquering. Later, I spoke with Mom. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. Me: Hello? It was sheer brilliance. Proceed at your own risk. Our puns and jokes are here for the soldiers as well as everyone else to enjoy. One day you will walk out to your aircraft KNOWING that it is your last flight. We were inspecting several lots of grenades. "Ah", the fighter pilot remarked "The dreaded Seven-Engine approach", 12. Kassidy Barber is the Assistant Editor for VeteranLife.com and MyBaseGuide.com. If at least ONE military joke below doesnt make you giggle, well, wed be concerned. Tower "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7", Eastern 702 "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway", Tower "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern? Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. What is a Soldiers least favorite month? On landing, the Stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of your belongings. She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives! aviation JOKES (random) Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. Its a NO FLY zone! After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them There are three rules in this mess hall- Shut up! St. For more information about us or joining the team, check out the About Us tab. Anyone wanting to take pictures on our bases airfield needs a letter from public affairs, which happens to be me. WARNING: Tons of dad jokes lie ahead. Takeoffs are optional. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am" he said, "Do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Ask the Air Force to secure a building and they will sign a 10 year lease with an option to buy. Even if you arent in the military yourself, try reading some of these out loud to someone you know in a particular branch and watch as their face lights up. Thats Daddy. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane, 20. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. Later, I spoke with Mom. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, Has anyone seen my grenade?. 7. And you also make me nervous when you visit.. Thats why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. They throw out a pistol. He then asked conspiratorially, Do you want to keep your sideburns?I perked up. U.S. Navy Warship: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one.". Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you? the base operator asked him. How did I know my new coworker was a veteran? What did one panicking sailor say to the other? 37. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took . When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. Hazing the new guy, he said with a grin. The only time you have too much fuel is when youre on fire. you cant do both. 10. Theres a post recall and he went to work. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. We made a private sweep all the sunshine off the sidewalks. On-time Departure Cabin doors closed 15 minutes before scheduled departure time Subsequent delays are irrelevant. A lot of the jokes on this list I heard while I was in the Marines, but I want to give credit to our friends at ralleypoint.com and unijokes.com. Do you have change for a dollar? He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone. I am the PMC at a Dinner Night next week, where apart from my Boss and myself the rest of the guests are Army (from an array of cap badges). Full Disclosure Here. A LOOtenant! 5) The Franco-Prussian War ended in a stalemate and had to be settled by a winner-take-all game of backgammon played by the two countries prime ministers. In the 50s, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. 36. Anytime someone asked what his father did, hed say, Hes in the Army. I told him umpteen times, Stop telling people Im in the Army! It finally seemed to hit home because on the admittance form for kindergarten, under fathers profession, the teacher wrote, He doesnt know what his father does, but hes not in the Army.. After a very heavy landing in Halifax, the Flight Attendant announced; Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. What happened Sergeant? Discussion Board on this Military Joke. Heres what they came up with: We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that fact. He pulled out a pair of running shoes and started putting them on. What did you do? Why didnt the troop tell anyone about their rank in the military? I served in Japan, said Uncle Sid. Hey, Im from St. Louis too! he said. It took the poor guy all day. When the sailor finishes up, he heads to the sink to wash his hands. They sure grow up fast, dont they?. Without a letter from public affairs, well have to take your camera. I did the only thing I could do: I pulled a notepad and pen from my bag and wrote a letter giving myself permission to take photos. They know how to take up space. Airmens mess, sir.. A cookie and a piece of cake joined the army, but eventually, they abandoned their fellow soldiers. Military Aviation Humor | Civil Aviation Humor | Life in the Military | Submit a Joke Aunt Mary is an F-16 pilot A fifth-grade teacher told her students "I'd like for one of you to tell the class a story with a moral", so little Suzy raised her hand. S | Engine found on right wing after brief search. Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 bomber that had one engine shut down. You might be a Coastie if a cruise does not sound like a vacation to you.

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